At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize