Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
being pregnant is like rehab
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
