You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
