i love accidental penises.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
