my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
