You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
