I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
