my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
