I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
