I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize