you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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