Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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