Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
