The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
