i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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