Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
