Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
