I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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