WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
