how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
