so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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