we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
