went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
