I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
