every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
