dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
