can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
