i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
