hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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