So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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