Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
