I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
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