just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
