I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
