why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I did not marry a roomba.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
