I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
