Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
