he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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