The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
