Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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