I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
