Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
