that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
