There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
