3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
