That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
