that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
