thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
