so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
