I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
