Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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