Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
