You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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