saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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