From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
