I heard we made out
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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