I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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