Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
