I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
