i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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