Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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