My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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